I'm not making this up

We asked our readers if they wanted to write for our blog to help others understand some mental health issues, raise awareness and reduce stigma, and just like our friend Sue did a few months ago sharing with us her struggle with agoraphobia (you can read part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4 here), our anonymous friend M. has done with her own problem. These are the thoughts she has shared with us, in her own words.

'Sometimes I cry when no one sees me, when I'm alone in my bedroom. I cry and feel deep disgust inside of me but I can't tell what's my sadness about. Obviously not everything in my life is perfect but when I'm OK and I'm not feeling this sad, I realise that it's not that bad either.

When I cry and feel that way, I sometimes feel selfish. If I don't have any real reasons to feel this bad, why am I feeling like the unluckiest person in the world? And that makes me cry even more. And makes me feel unworthy. And I start wondering if anyone would miss me if I disappear. The idea that some people may actually feel relieved quickly crosses my mind.

But then I remember I already attempted that way once and didn't manage to get too far. It was many years ago but the memory is still so clear. Maybe it was fear of actually committing to do what I was doing. Maybe a part of me wanted to survive. Maybe I was being selfish again. Maybe it was just a call for attention. I can't answer these questions 'cause I'm not sure. I also think about how terrible this made my family feel. And that immense feeling of shame when I had to tell the doctors what I had just done and I started seeing a psychologist. In fact most of my closest friends don't know about this event. I have kept it on the low for all these years.

When I feel alright it's hard to think that there was a time when I felt so much pain. I clear up my current thoughts and smile for what I have. But when I'm not this 'lucid' it's a different story. That's when the grief starts. When I think I'm alone in the world. When I feel better standing under the running shower cause the water washes away my tears. Where I can sob without being heard by my partner. He knows I sometimes feel sad but he doesn't know I have such dark moments.

Am I a depressed person? I doubt it because I have equal happy moments too when I feel I could burst into rainbows. And then I wonder, am I making up these feelings of grief and pain? Is my mind creating a story that does not exist? I really wish there was a way for me to talk more openly about these problems but for the time being I prefer to keep it to myself and maybe write about it in blogs like this. I am to get better and I knew my seek for help had to start somewhere. Maybe the 'silent scream' in this text will help me finding the courage. Maybe.

We really hope you find the courage you're looking for, M, and decide to seek help sooner rather than later.